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@Censoredhead

Secretary of State for Education: Job Advert

We here at the Department for Education are delighted to announce that we have a position available of Secretary of State for Education, due to the incumbent person being moved on for exceptional performance in his role.


Do you:

  • Have no understanding of the education system in this country?

  • Not care about the poor and most vulnerable in our society?

  • Believe teachers and school staff are leftie unionists who need to be put in their place?

  • Have a condescending tone?

  • Have an elitist attitude?

  • Care more about your image than children?

  • Want to pursue an idealistic agenda not rooted in science and research?

If you can answer yes to these questions, then you are the person we are looking for.


Job Description

The Secretary of State is responsible for the work of the Department for Education, including:

  • early years

  • children’s social care

  • teacher recruitment and retention

  • the school curriculum

  • school improvement

  • academies and free schools

  • further education

  • apprenticeships and skills

  • higher education

No experience of these areas is necessary and no training will be given.


Key roles and responsibilities

  • Belittle the teaching profession as often as you can, particularly in public

  • Remove funding from schools where possible, especially funding for the most needy

  • Make promises that you know cannot be kept, but will put pressure on head teachers

  • Create the perfect atmosphere to create a recruitment and retention problem

  • Create a curriculum that does not meet the needs of the children

  • Develop ways to assess children at least once every school year

  • Develop strong relationships with schools that meet your ideologies and ignore the rest

  • Create confusion by releasing contradictory information

  • Leak information to the media to gauge public reaction

  • Pretend you care in public and lie about the support we have given schools

  • Build tension and animosity with the teaching unions

  • Only go into schools when it is required, and only go to schools who match your agenda

  • Never speak to head teachers without vetting their ideals first and foremost

  • Condescend school leaders by issuing our stand out guidance such as "identifying and addressing gaps in pupils' knowledge"

  • Spend public money on companies we have associations with, without the need for tender, such as EdenRed

Salary

£95,000 + bonuses, bungs and every little expense you can claim for.


If this sounds like a job for you, please get in touch.

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