We here at the Department for Education are delighted to announce that we have a position available of Secretary of State for Education, due to the incumbent person being moved on for exceptional performance in his role.
Do you:
Have no understanding of the education system in this country?
Not care about the poor and most vulnerable in our society?
Believe teachers and school staff are leftie unionists who need to be put in their place?
Have a condescending tone?
Have an elitist attitude?
Care more about your image than children?
Want to pursue an idealistic agenda not rooted in science and research?
If you can answer yes to these questions, then you are the person we are looking for.
Job Description
The Secretary of State is responsible for the work of the Department for Education, including:
early years
children’s social care
teacher recruitment and retention
the school curriculum
school improvement
academies and free schools
further education
apprenticeships and skills
higher education
No experience of these areas is necessary and no training will be given.
Key roles and responsibilities
Belittle the teaching profession as often as you can, particularly in public
Remove funding from schools where possible, especially funding for the most needy
Make promises that you know cannot be kept, but will put pressure on head teachers
Create the perfect atmosphere to create a recruitment and retention problem
Create a curriculum that does not meet the needs of the children
Develop ways to assess children at least once every school year
Develop strong relationships with schools that meet your ideologies and ignore the rest
Create confusion by releasing contradictory information
Leak information to the media to gauge public reaction
Pretend you care in public and lie about the support we have given schools
Build tension and animosity with the teaching unions
Only go into schools when it is required, and only go to schools who match your agenda
Never speak to head teachers without vetting their ideals first and foremost
Condescend school leaders by issuing our stand out guidance such as "identifying and addressing gaps in pupils' knowledge"
Spend public money on companies we have associations with, without the need for tender, such as EdenRed
Salary
£95,000 + bonuses, bungs and every little expense you can claim for.
If this sounds like a job for you, please get in touch.
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